Cunnilingus: tips without tricks
There are a surprising number of secret tricks for cunnilingus doing the rounds, and the best known is the alphabet. I don't think much of it. No technique works for everyone, and if you listen, you don't need one. This article is about what actually counts, and about the one mistake that keeps happening.
What makes good cunnilingus?
Attention, and only then technique.
Cunnilingus is stimulating the vulva with the tongue and lips, above all the clitoris. The basics fit on one page. The rest you learn from the person you are with, and no guide can do that part for you.
Research sees it much the same way. In a study by Indiana University, 1,055 women aged 18 to 94 described what kind of genital touch they like. The answers varied widely: in pressure, in location, in the shape and pattern of the movement. The results from Debby Herbenick and colleagues were published in 2018 in the Journal of Sex & Marital Therapy. Co-author Brian Dodge said the findings contradict the idea of sex moves that work for everyone. The study has one catch: only women in the US were surveyed, and it was about touch in general, not oral sex. It still works as a pointer.
The same study supplies two figures that show why the topic matters. Only 18.4 percent of respondents said intercourse alone was enough for them to orgasm. 36.6 percent need additional stimulation of the clitoris during intercourse. For them, cunnilingus is more than foreplay.
In the escort context there is one more thing. On Gingr, pussy licking is a service in its own right. Not every escort offers it. Whether she does is stated in her profile.
The basics in five points
They apply at home with your partner just as much as with an escort.
- Take your time. If you head straight for the goal, you skip the part where arousal builds. Kisses on the belly and the inner thighs are part of it. Meetings where this slower pace is part of the deal often go by the name Girlfriend Experience.
- Keep the rhythm. If she responds to something, stay with it, at the same pace and with the same pressure. For me this is the most important point, more on it in the next section.
- Start gently. The clitoris is very sensitive, and firm, direct pressure is quickly too much at the start. Begin with a soft, flat tongue, around the clitoris rather than directly on it. How much pressure is fine later on is better asked than guessed.
- Read her reactions. Breathing and hips give a lot away. If she moves towards you, it's working. If she pulls away or goes quiet, ease off and check in briefly. One word is enough.
- Comfort for both of you. A pillow under her hips takes the strain off your neck. If you're lying awkwardly, you lose the rhythm after a few minutes, and she notices. If she should set position and pace herself, facesitting is one option.
None of this is spectacular. Every time, it comes down to paying attention and staying with it.
The most common mistake
Changing the movement just when it's working.
It happens all the time. Her breathing speeds up, her hips tense, and that is exactly when a new movement comes. Usually with good intentions: you want to build things up or show what else you can do. For her, it means back to square one. Shortly before orgasm, a single change is often enough and the tension that has built up is gone.
The rule against it is simple. If something is working, keep doing exactly that, just as fast and just as firm. It may feel monotonous to you. For her it means you've found something that fits.
If it happens anyway, go back to the last movement she responded to. It happens to everyone. The tension builds up again, just not straight away.
The study from the first section fits here too. According to the research team, 41 percent of the women surveyed preferred one specific style of touch. Once you've found it, don't give it up for the sake of variety.
If you remember only one thing from this article, make it this. It sounds obvious and still gets ignored all the time.
Why secret techniques don't work
They run through a programme instead of responding to her.
The alphabet trick goes like this: you write letters with your tongue, one after another. The idea makes some sense. Tracing letters means varied movement, and you might stumble on something she likes. As a playful way to start, it's harmless.
The problem is the promise behind it. The trick sets the sequence and changes the movement with every letter. The mistake from the last section becomes the method. And if you're mentally at Q, you're not paying attention to her breathing.
Other guaranteed techniques are similar. They deliver a fixed pattern for a body they don't know. Sometimes it works, because every pattern fits by chance at some point, but you can't rely on it. I do understand the appeal, a pattern takes away uncertainty. Unfortunately it also takes away the paying attention, and that is the actual job. Lists like these are fine as a collection of ideas. What stays is decided by her reaction.
The second myth comes from porn: fast, lots of tongue, lots of movement. That is made for the camera, which needs distance and visible action. What goes down well in bed usually looks unspectacular, slower and calmer than on any screen.
Getting feedback without running an interview
Ideally with questions that a sound can answer.
"How would you rate that on a scale of one to ten?" kills any mood. Short questions with two options don't, a nod or a sound is enough:
- "Like this, or slower?" Then try both briefly and notice which one she responds to.
- "Show me where." Her hand is more precise than any description.
A lot can be cleared up beforehand, so you need to ask less in the moment. What she likes, for example, or whether there is a sign for "keep going exactly like that", such as her hand on your head. With an escort this is part of normal arrangements, and a no to a service stays a no. How to phrase things like this is covered in the article bringing up wishes respectfully. Afterwards, a single question is enough: "What did you like best?" The answer tells you where to start next time.
One more paragraph for the person whose pleasure this is about, in case you're reading along. Everything here depends on your signals. You don't have to put up with anything that doesn't feel good. A "slower" or "right there" helps more than any polite silence.
Safer sex and hygiene
HIV is practically a non-issue with cunnilingus, other infections are not.
According to the Swiss AIDS Federation, there is practically no HIV risk with oral sex, because the virus hardly gets in through the lining of the mouth. Syphilis, gonorrhoea and chlamydia, on the other hand, are also transmitted through oral sex. That is why the Swiss AIDS Federation, in its protection recommendations, advises using protection for oral sex too when paying for sex. For cunnilingus that means a dental dam, a thin latex sheet placed over the vulva. It can't fully prevent the most common infections. According to the Swiss AIDS Federation, regular testing is the best protection. Where to get tested is listed in the directory of Sexual Health Switzerland (in German). What applies in the escort context is summed up in the safer sex standards.
With herpes it's the other way round: the risk comes from the mouth. According to the Swiss AIDS Federation, herpes type 1 mainly causes cold sores, but it can also cause infections in the genital area. If you have blisters on your mouth, skip oral sex until they have healed.
And hygiene applies to both of you. Showering beforehand is part of etiquette at an escort meeting. A freshly shaved chin or a soft beard scratches less than stubble.
Frequently asked questions
Is there a technique that always works?
No, bodies respond too differently for that. Only one approach is reliable: watch, and keep doing what goes down well.
How long should cunnilingus last?
As long as it feels good for both of you. There is no standard time. Watching the clock puts you and her under pressure, and that helps nobody. It doesn't have to end in an orgasm either.
What is the difference between cunnilingus and oral sex?
Oral sex is the umbrella term for sexual practices using the mouth on the genital or anal area. Cunnilingus is the form performed on the vulva, fellatio the one on the penis. On Gingr the service is called pussy licking, and the definition is in the glossary under cunnilingus.
Can you learn to do cunnilingus well?
Yes, only what you learn is attention, not a pattern. Paying conscious attention to reactions and asking a few times teaches you more than any guide, this one included.
In summary
- Attention beats any technique.
- If something is working: stay with it, don't switch.
- You get feedback with short questions that a sound can answer.
- HIV is hardly a risk, other infections are. When paying for sex, the Swiss AIDS Federation recommends protection for cunnilingus too, meaning a dental dam.
If you want to take your time over it: find escorts who offer pussy licking.