Why are people into sadomasochism?

Few practices have a worse reputation and more quiet fans. The images people have of sadomasochism come from films that have little to do with reality, and those who are into it rarely talk about it openly. Yet the why question deserves an answer. The appeal has less to do with pain than you might think, and more to do with trust. I want to take a closer look at what actually happens.

Why are people into sadomasochism?

Because playing with power creates an intensity that ordinary sex rarely reaches. Whoever gives up control has nothing to decide for a while. And whoever takes it receives something that hardly anyone hands over voluntarily in everyday life: another person's full trust.

For many, giving up control is the core of it. Everyday life demands constant responsibility: making decisions, being available, functioning, maintaining an image. In a submissive role, all of that falls away. There is nothing to decide and nothing to perform. What looks like humiliation from the outside often feels like relief from the inside. Which people seek out this role cannot be read from their job title, by the way. The clichés about that are as widespread as they are unproven.

Roles work like a costume that allows more, not less. Whoever plays a role can show sides that would feel uncomfortable under their own name. The role protects, because it makes one thing clear: this is a game with rules, not a character trait.

The dominant side is not the opposite of this, but its counterpart. Whoever leads decides everything and carries the responsibility for two. That demands a kind of attention rarely called upon in everyday life: reading every reaction and keeping track of how the other person is doing. Many describe this state as a form of concentration that leaves room for nothing else.

And then there is trust. Whoever lets themselves be tied up or struck is at the other's mercy, and both know it at every moment. That knowledge changes the dynamic of the encounter. Closeness here does not arise despite the power imbalance, but through it.

The paradox: losing control requires control

From the outside, sadomasochism looks like chaos, like deliberate boundary-crossing. In practice, the opposite is true. Nowhere is there as much talking and negotiating before sex as here.

Before a session, both sides clarify what is wanted, what might be an option and what must not happen under any circumstances. Experienced couples and professionals work with these distinctions as a matter of course, often in the form of lists. There is a safeword that ends everything. During the session, the dominant person continuously reads the other's reactions. And afterwards comes the debrief, known in the scene as aftercare: you come out of the roles together and talk about what happened.

Interestingly, many describe this negotiation not as a chore but as part of the appeal. Talking about desires is already foreplay. Anyone who has ever tried to voice a wish in an ordinary bed knows how much courage it takes, and how much closeness comes from getting it right.

That makes the practice that looks like losing control the most communicative of all. The comparison with ordinary sex is uncomfortable but revealing: there, boundaries are often never discussed at all, people rely on assumptions. Violations tend to happen where boundaries were never named, not where they are the starting point of the game.

Losing control only works when someone stays in control.

What sadomasochism actually is

Sadomasochism is the SM part of BDSM. The abbreviation combines bondage and discipline, dominance and submission, and sadism and masochism: three pairs of terms that overlap but do not mean the same thing. Sadomasochism in the narrower sense is the play of pain and pleasure: one side feels aroused by giving pain, the other by receiving it. Both within agreed limits, otherwise it stops being a game.

The scene roughly distinguishes between soft BDSM and hard BDSM. Soft means light elements such as blindfolds or being held down. Much of it happens in bedrooms whose occupants would never describe themselves as part of a scene. Hard means more intense practices that require experience and more precise agreements. The line between the two is fluid and different for everyone.

A power imbalance does not need pain, by the way. CFNM is one example: she stays dressed, he is naked, and the imbalance arises from that difference alone. If you want to understand why power games are appealing, you will find the same mechanism there in its mildest form.

For many, playing with the power gradient also includes practices like pegging with a strap-on, where the usual roles switch sides.

The rules of the scene: SSC, RACK, safewords

SSC stands for safe, sane, consensual. For decades, this was the scene's basic formula. RACK goes a step further and means risk-aware consensual kink. This formula admits that risks can never be ruled out entirely, and demands in return that everyone involved knows them and consents anyway. The difference sounds academic, but in practice it says a lot about how honest the scene is with itself. Both concepts are described in more detail in the glossary.

Safewords are the tool that brings the theory into the session. The traffic-light system is common: yellow means slower or less, red means an immediate stop. The safeword ends the role, not the encounter. And it is the point where play separates from assault: whoever ignores it is no longer playing.

What a safe first step looks like

Start small and talk first. That sounds unspectacular, and that is exactly how a first step should be. If you begin with a blindfold and held wrists, you will quickly find out whether the direction feels right, without much that can go wrong. Boundaries are named beforehand, not tested along the way. And the safer sex standards apply unchanged, a power imbalance does not alter them.

In a relationship, the conversation belongs outside the bedroom, at the kitchen table rather than in bed. Desires are easier to name when nothing has to happen right away. And the reaction is often milder than the expectation feared.

The most structured first step there is runs through a professional. Experienced dominatrixes hold preliminary talks, ask about limits and prior experience, and usually recognise beginners before they admit it themselves. What has to be laboriously negotiated in private is a professional standard there: clear agreements and a safeword from the start. That removes the biggest uncertainty of a first time, namely the question of whether the other person knows what they are doing.

Where these encounters take place depends on the offer. Some dominatrixes receive clients in their own rooms, others work in specialised studios with the right equipment. The differences between studios and types of establishments are described in detail elsewhere.

Frequently asked questions

Is sadomasochism normal?

Yes. Sadomasochism is a common sexual preference, not a diagnosis. As long as everything is consensual and nobody suffers from it, there is nothing to treat.

What is the difference between BDSM and sadomasochism?

BDSM is the umbrella term and covers bondage, dominance and sadomasochism. Sadomasochism is the part where pain and pleasure are at the centre.

What does SSC mean?

Safe, sane, consensual. The formula is considered the minimum standard for any session in the scene.

How do I tell my partner or an escort what I want?

Beforehand and directly. With an escort or dominatrix, the preliminary talk is part of the process, and you can name your desires there without detours. In a relationship, a conversation outside the bedroom helps, without the pressure that something has to happen right away.

In short

• The appeal of sadomasochism lies in the play of control and trust, not in pain alone.
• The practice that looks like losing control is the most communicative of all.
• SSC and RACK are the scene's safety formulas, the safeword is their tool.
• The most structured first step runs through an experienced dominatrix.

In the end, sadomasochism is what two people make of it: a game that demands more trust than most others. If you are planning your first step with an experienced dominatrix, you will find profiles across Switzerland on Gingr with clear details on who offers what.